Self-soothing is a myth

If you’ve ever worried that your baby needs to learn to self-soothe to sleep well, you’re not alone. The idea that babies must learn to “put themselves to sleep” or they’ll never sleep independently is one of the biggest myths in modern parenting.

Research in attachment theory and infant regulation shows us a very different story: babies thrive with coregulation—the dance of emotional connection between baby and caregiver.

Stick around, and you’ll know exactly why self-soothing is not skill your baby needs to master – and why responding sensitively actually builds stronger attachment, healthier regulation, and better sleep over time.

What is Regulation?

Before understanding co-regulation, we first have to understand regulation itself.

Regulation is all about balance. Our nervous system has an accelerator and a brake—it helps us gear up when we need to act, and slow down when it’s time to rest. When we’re regulated, those systems work together smoothly. We can notice what we’re feeling and shift our energy as needed—whether that’s calming ourselves when we’re overwhelmed or focusing when we need to be alert.

Babies come into the world with some regulation skills – like controlling their heart rate – but many systems are still developing. For example, babies can’t yet regulate body temperature or emotions well. They’re great at expressing distress by crying, but not so great at calming themselves.

What is Co-Regulation?

Because babies can’t regulate fully on their own, they rely on adults for help. This is co-regulation: a dynamic, ongoing dance between baby and parent.

When your baby cries, your nervous system instinctively “matches” their energy—a moment of shared activation. Then you regulate yourself, calming your own nervous system so you can help soothe your baby. You keep one foot in feeling their distress, and the other foot grounded in calmness.

This process is not a straight line. It’s a fluid back-and-forth: baby responds to you, you respond to baby, and the dance continues. It requires:

• Physical proximity: You can’t co-regulate from another room. Being close matters.
• Attunement: Feeling your baby’s distress in your body and responding sensitively.
• Matching energy: Meeting your baby’s activation before gently guiding them to calm.

Co-regulation is less about “doing” and more about being present—offering emotional connection, safety, and responsiveness.

The Science Behind Attachment and Sleep

Attachment theory shows that babies build secure bonds when their parents respond with consistency and warmth. This sense of safety helps babies feel more confident to explore the world—and over time, regulation and rest come more easily.

Methods like Cry It Out or Ferber aim to promote independence, but often increase stress and can make it harder to maintain a sense of connection in those vulnerable moments. These approaches encourage babies to “self-soothe” by being left to cry alone – except that’s not how regulation actually develops.

The real truth is that babies don’t need to self-soothe to sleep well. What they need is a responsive and supportive presence. As their nervous systems develop within that safety, their ability to settle and rest grows naturally.

Yes, this approach takes more time. Yes, it’s often a lot more work. But it feels good. It feels right. There’s no guilt. No betraying your instincts. It’s you, showing up for your baby in a way that builds trust.

Cry It Out, Ferber + Responsive Sleep Methods

Ferber and Cry It Out methods are based on controlled crying or extinction, where parents let babies cry for set periods without intervening, hoping babies learn to fall asleep on their own. These methods prioritize independence but don’t take into account the baby’s emotional distress. (This is not about weighing the costs, or discussing the pros and cons. It’s just a description of the methods.)

In contrast, responsive sleep methods center on connection and co-regulation. Parents respond to their baby’s cues, offering comfort and presence without letting them cry it out. This approach nurtures secure attachment and lets babies develop self-regulation naturally, over time.

The Baby Sleep Maven Philosophy

At Baby Sleep Maven, our philosophy is rooted in the science of attachment and co-regulation. We believe sleep solutions can honor your baby’s emotional needs and your family’s values – and you can still get some sleep.

We don’t use any separation-based methods – no Cry It Out, no Ferber. Instead, we teach responsive, co-regulation-based techniques that help your baby sleep better while strengthening your relationship. That means better sleep for your whole family — without out guilt.

Here’s what you can do

If Cry It Out feels wrong to you, you’re in the right place! Sign up for my free mini course that explains why Cry It Out often backfires—and how you can support your baby toward better sleep without leave them alone to cry.

In this mini course, you’ll learn:

• Why Cry It Out doesn’t work for so many families
• What you can do instead to get better sleep
• How to improve sleep in an intuitive, guilt-free way

Join the free mini course here – you deserve peaceful nights and a strong bond with your baby.