A mom asked one of our sleep consultants last week:

“All my friends said their baby was sleep trained in two days… am I doing something wrong that my baby isn’t sleeping yet?!”

We hear this kind of thing a lot. And while once upon a time, before I did a deep dive into infant development and attachment, it might not have made me feel sad.

But nowadays, it does. Not because this mom is doing something wrong, but because she’s been sold a model of baby sleep that doesn’t leave much room for… her baby. Or her real life.

Let’s unpack what’s really going on here – and why there’s SO MUCH controversy in the baby sleep space.

The two approaches to baby sleep

When it comes to baby sleep, there are two main frameworks:

1. the Behaviorist approach
2. the Developmental approach

I know this sounds wordy and academic, so if your eyes just glazed over, I’m gonna make it super clear. These two approaches to baby sleep influence every sleep course, sleep consultant, sleep book and Instagram post you’ve ever seen.

The Behaviorist Approach

Babies will sleep when we teach them how to sleep. Let’s teach them sleep as a skill.

This model suggests that babies learn to sleep by practicing certain habits. It emphasizes independent sleep and aims to reduce behaviors like needing to be fed or held to fall asleep.

Most conventional sleep training methods fall under this category. That includes programs like Ferber or Cry-it-out, where a parent is encouraged to respond less and less over time, until your baby “learns” to sleep without any help.

The problem is that these methods often ignore why the baby is waking in the first place – whether that’s because of separation anxiety, hunger, development, or temperament. It puts the burden on the parent to stick to a plan that involves ignoring their baby… even if it goes against every instinct in their body.

The Developmental Approach:

Babies sleep when they’re ready to sleep. Let’s honor their rhythms and help them feel safe – sleep will come on its own time.

This model views sleep as a biological and relational process that matures over time.

A developmental approach considers your baby’s nervous system, emotional needs, temperament, and relationship with you. It assumes frequent night waking is normal, sleep regressions are a sign of growth, and contact naps are a phase your baby will outgrow naturally. That there are ways to improve sleep that don’t require you to ignore your crying baby.

It asks: what does this baby need to sleep better right now – and how can we meet those needs with attunement, responsiveness and care?

How these models affect attachment

Attachment is the foundation of your child’s emotional security, and the way you respond to nighttime needs impacts that.

In behaviorist approaches, crying is often framed as manipulation or “just a protest.” Parents are encouraged to override their instincts to respond, in hopes that the baby will “self-soothe.” But the truth is that babies can’t self-soothe until they’ve been consistently co-regulated – soothed by us – first. And this process takes years. When we repeatedly separate instead of respond, we risk weakening the trust that underpins secure attachment.

In developmental approaches, crying is viewed communication. When your baby cries, you listen and respond, in a way that’s consistent, calm, and builds confidence over time. This doesn’t mean you have to be up all night forever, but it does mean sleep support happens with your baby, not to them. That process deepens connection instead of rupturing it.

Attachment grows through hundreds of moments of attunement. Nighttime is one of the most powerful opportunities to nurture it.

Why the baby sleep space gets so heated

Here’s the thing: parenting is extremely personal. When it comes to sleep, it can feel like the ultimate test of how much you love your child, and how much of yourself you can give without falling apart. Because it’s such a sensitive area with a deeply personal topic, the sleep space tends to get kinda… feisty.

On top of that, these two camps clash (rather badly) because they come from very different assumptions about babies and parents.

• The behaviorist camp, which is more old school, often views crying as a behavior to correct, valuing independence and efficiency.

• The developmental camp leans heavily on neuroscience and attachment theory, emphasizing connection, communication, and responding to your baby’s cues.

Neuroscience and attachment theory tend to favor the developmental model, and for good reason. Neuroscience shows how essential consistent and responsive care is to your baby’s brain and emotional development.

But here’s the catch: these models often don’t fully account for real life – especially for families in our community juggling large households, demanding schedules, and very limited sleep support.

Does that mean we’re ignoring an ideal just because it’s hard? No. It means there’s a perfect world – where you can respond calmly to every wakeup with empathy and compassion where, every need is met right on time, and where you never feel utterly exhausted and depleted. And then there’s the world we actually live in – where parents have multiple kids, jobs, community responsibilities, and very little rest.

This tension fuels the heated debates.

The developmental camp can come off sounding really harsh, asking,
“Why have kids if you can’t raise them properly?” which can feel overwhelming or terribly guilt-inducing.

The behaviorist camp counters with a practical perspective:
“We know parents are exhausted and overwhelmed, so let’s give them tools to help their babies sleep better faster – because better sleep supports the whole family’s well-being.”  This school of thought emphasizes teaching babies early independence as a way to prevent long-term sleep struggles and parental burnout.

The issue is that neither side fully accounts for both parent and baby. One side leans heavily towards the baby, demanding intense sacrifice from the parent (“you CHOSE to have them! They didn’t ask to be born!”) while the other side risks the most foundational element of a child’s well-being, while trying to be there for the parent.

It can leave parents feeling like they’re either betraying their child’s needs – or abandoning their own.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

When a parent responds with attunement – not perfectly every time, but enough of the time – it gives a baby a powerful internal map. A sense that “Mommy sees me,” “Mommy comes for me,” “the world is safe.” That map becomes the foundation for resilience. Because when babies know, deep in their bodies, that their needs matter and connection is possible, they can handle moments of frustration, delay, or even separation. As they grow, they draw on that internal sense of safety.

This doesn’t mean you should purposely leave your baby alone to cry so they can build resilience. It means there’s breathing room for you to be less than perfect. Which is good. Because you’ll never be perfect.

Understanding the gap between ideals and reality helps us meet families where they are – with compassion, flexibility, and respect for both baby’s needs and parents’ limits.

But I’m not functioning

Now let’s be honest: sometimes you need sleep, too. Desperately. And that matters as well.

Our society today isn’t set up to support tired, postpartum mothers. There’s no village showing up to hold your baby while you nap. No universal paid leave. Ten day’s worth of meal train dinners if you’re lucky. You’re expected to “bounce back” while barely hanging on.

And on top of all that, you might have older kids who need you in the morning. You might have a demanding job that you can’t quit because it pays the bills – or you actually like it. You might feel touched out, overstimulated, and like your needs don’t matter anymore. You might really dislike co-sleeping, even if that’s what’s working best for your baby right now. You can’t stay in bed all day, even when every bone in your body is begging for rest.

This doesn’t make you a bad parent. It just makes you human.

This is where it can be helpful zoom out and create a more sustainable balance.

• Can we shift the schedule or tweak the routine to create a little more rest for you?
• Can we use gentle, responsive methods that move you toward better sleep without forcing your baby to cry alone?
• Can we adjust your expectations from “sleeping through the night” to “sleeping better than last week”?

You don’t have to sacrifice your baby’s emotional needs to meet your own. You’re allowed to need sleep. You’re allowed to not love co-sleeping. You’re allowed to say: this isn’t working – and I need help. There is a middle ground, and you’re allowed to stand on it.

Our sleep methodology

At Baby Sleep Maven, we use a developmental lens combined with practical, responsive sleep strategies in everything we do.

Our sleep consultants are trained to look at the full picture – not just the number of night wakings. That includes:

• Your baby’s age, temperament, and sensory needs
• Your family’s values, stress levels, and daily rhythms
• Your feeding situation and physical recovery
• Your emotional bandwidth and attachment goals

Then we build a custom plan around that.

Our approach includes:

• Predictable routines rooted in your baby’s biology
• Responsive strategies to support co-regulation (no self-soothing here!)
• Flexible tools to help you support your baby through sleep changes
• Coaching for you so you can feel calm, confident, and connected
• Chat support so you’re not figuring it out alone

We’re not here to out-schedule your baby’s nervous system. We’re here to listen to your family and create something that works for your life.

You are not doing something wrong because your baby didn’t sleep through the night after two days, or because your baby still needs you at night. And you’re certainly not doing something wrong because you care about how your baby feels.

Those are all signs that you’re doing something really right.

There is a way to improve sleep that honors your baby’s development and your capacity.
There is a way forward that doesn’t require crying it out, ignoring your gut or rupturing your baby’s attachment.

Are you a parent who is looking for responsive sleep support? Explore our 1:1 private sleep consults here.

Are you a sleep consultant looking to join a team that values holistic + responsive sleep support? Learn more about our team here.