What if your child’s soul was a tiny, flickering flame… and you were the wick that supported it, allowing it to burn bright?

According to the Zohar, that is the secret of parenting.

The soul of a child is small, like the flame of a candle – with incredible potential to grow into a powerful fire. But in order to grow, a flame needs just the right amount of support. It can’t be smothered or it will extinguish, but it can’t be neglected or it will rage out of control and burn everything around it. It needs just the right amount of oil and a steady wick to help it burn brightly and shine.

That’s where you come in.

Igniting the soul

So often, we feel that our children take from us. They drain us of so many resources: sleep, time, energy, emotions, money… there’s no part of life that our children don’t impact. It can be easy to feel that our children take away from our light, and that we give up of ourselves in order to give to our children.

The Noam Elimelech teaches us that parenting is like lighting a candle from an existing flame. The first candle loses nothing, and the second candle gains everything. Parenting is the same:

Giving to your child doesn’t take anything away from you. It gives everything to your child, and takes away nothing from your light. Parents literally ignite the soul of their children, giving them direction in life and a path to rise upon.

Motherhood isn’t just about raising humans. It’s kindling brand new flames from the Divine light – and bringing them into existence.

Protecting the tiny flames

When you look at parenting this way, it takes on an entirely different role. It’s so much less about managing behavior and more about protecting the flame, ensuring that it doesn’t go out. Creating an environment where your child’s soul can shine without getting smothered or worse, blown out. Giving it the fuel it needs and then letting it shine.

There is a custom on Chanuka to sit by the menorah and stare at the lights, absorbing their beauty. What if we approached parenting the same way? Instead of trying to control who our children are, what if we watched them blossom and unfurl as they grow?

Chanuka Sleep Tips

Newborns:
Newborns have really short wake windows, so if you’re heading to a Chanuka party, aim to get a nap in the stroller, in a baby carrier or in your arms at the party. It can be helpful to ask your host if there’s a quiet room you can go into if your baby starts getting worked up. You can turn off the lights, feed them, and let them sleep in your arms. Even a few minutes can help them feel restored. Don’t stress about bedtime at this age – newborns can be very unpredictable, and nights are fluid.

Also: you’re allowed to say no when people ask to hold your newborn. At a time of year when viruses are flying through the air like there’s no tomorrow, you don’t need to explain yourself. You’re allowed to keep your baby in your arms, in a carrier, or tell people, “Please don’t kiss her face.”

Babies:
Try to protect the last nap of the day, because a rested baby handles the excitement so much better. Bring pajamas with you so you can change your baby before you head home – if they fall asleep in the car, you might even manage a smooth transfer into the crib. When you get home, do a shortened version of your bedtime routine – this can be very grounding for your baby at the end of an overstimulating evening.

Toddlers:
Prepare your toddler earlier in the day by explaining what will happen: “We’re going to a Chanuka party, it will be fun! It might be very loud, and we’ll see Bubby and Zaidy and cousins and eat yummy donuts. Then we’ll come home and go to sleep.” Predictability settles their nervous system.

Instead of stressing about your toddler’s sugar intake focus on what you can do. Give them a protein-heavy snack before the party so you know the sugar is not hitting an empty stomach.

Give your toddler a quiet break every 45–60 minutes (a hallway, outside air, or a dim car for five minutes) to reset. And when you get home, end the night with a calm, predictable wind-down.

Mindset:
Schedules get messy over the holidays. That’s okay it’s part of life. Bedtimes get pushed later, naps get skipped and we all get overstimulated. That’s not a bad thing: it’s called living life.

You’re also allowed to take ownership of your family’s Chanukah experience: come late, leave early, skip a party, or stay out until 10pm. The right choice is whatever feels right for your family. Never be afraid to put your kids first, but also don’t be afraid to let the schedule go if you’re up for some fun.

Happy Chanukah!